this has to be the worst birthday ever

ok so my "best friend" and i were gonna go to the water park together as a kind of celebration for my birthday, and then i think well maybe we can invite a few others, and im thinking people i know, but she invites her, well whatever he is, the guy shes kinda dating but says she just met, and some girl ive never met, but whatever that s fine i don't care, what really gets me though, is that i had to plan it, i had to get the passes, and i can't do that until im absolutely positive about the number of people coming... and i didn't find that out until last minute, and by then its too late, the passes have been sold out since the discount started, so even if i had tried when we first thought about it i couldn't have gotten them, and she goes off on me, how its all my fault, the day is ruined because of me, im an awful person.........
WAIT A MINUTE....... today was supposed to be about me.... its my birthday........ i was the one who thought of this....... i was the one who told her i needed to know as soon as possible how many people were comeing, and she didn't attemt to do anything to help, she said ok ill invite people then never told me who all was coming until the night before.... and somehow its my fault.... i don't think so.......
and to truly put this in perspective, i spent months, and over a hundred dollars on this girl for her birthday, i planned a surprise party with decorations that cost a pretty penny, and bought her a ticket to the f-ing ballet, thats $50 + right there, and all she gives me for my birthday is an excuse and heartache, because i ruined her day....... well guess what she ruined my birthday.... so thanks a lot, really freaking appriciate it....

whats running through my head

im laying here in bed, not wanting to sleep, but at the same time feeling the loving gentle pull of that blissful thoughtlessness that is sleeping. i don't know where im going with this but i know that if i could figure out, everything, i would feel a little more calm, like if i knew what my purpose is in this life i would try harder to achieve what i could and do the most i feel i can. i don't think im makeing any sense right now, it is after all 3 am. well im gonna sleep now, and ill probably post a new blog entry that can try and make sense of this. good night.