it hurts

my chest feels like its about to explode, i don't know what i did to make him do this to me, i loved him, i still love him, and when he did that it was as though my heart was no longer there, but replaced by this void, a hole i have only ever felt once before. i know its not right to judge your happiness based on someone elses feelings about you, but thats not what this is, my happiness is based on who i chose to share my heart with, and when i have my heart ripped apart like this its as though it doesn't matter anymore, its as though life lost all its meaning, and i am jealous, i think non stop, is he with someone else, is that the reason, is that why this happened... dammit, i hate this, i just want it to end, for everything to go away, why did this have to happen

this has to be the worst birthday ever

ok so my "best friend" and i were gonna go to the water park together as a kind of celebration for my birthday, and then i think well maybe we can invite a few others, and im thinking people i know, but she invites her, well whatever he is, the guy shes kinda dating but says she just met, and some girl ive never met, but whatever that s fine i don't care, what really gets me though, is that i had to plan it, i had to get the passes, and i can't do that until im absolutely positive about the number of people coming... and i didn't find that out until last minute, and by then its too late, the passes have been sold out since the discount started, so even if i had tried when we first thought about it i couldn't have gotten them, and she goes off on me, how its all my fault, the day is ruined because of me, im an awful person.........
WAIT A MINUTE....... today was supposed to be about me.... its my birthday........ i was the one who thought of this....... i was the one who told her i needed to know as soon as possible how many people were comeing, and she didn't attemt to do anything to help, she said ok ill invite people then never told me who all was coming until the night before.... and somehow its my fault.... i don't think so.......
and to truly put this in perspective, i spent months, and over a hundred dollars on this girl for her birthday, i planned a surprise party with decorations that cost a pretty penny, and bought her a ticket to the f-ing ballet, thats $50 + right there, and all she gives me for my birthday is an excuse and heartache, because i ruined her day....... well guess what she ruined my birthday.... so thanks a lot, really freaking appriciate it....